


Weddings and Other Kinds of Vows

by a_case_for_wonder



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nicky's wedding, Post-Canon, Sort of? - Freeform, They're just so Gone and Done y'all, idk discussions of Love and Marriage and Feelings and stuff, ish, soft but not Too Soft I dont think, the Foxes do the cha cha slide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-15
Updated: 2017-11-15
Packaged: 2019-02-02 17:34:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12731160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_case_for_wonder/pseuds/a_case_for_wonder
Summary: “Lord, Andrew, you’d think you hadn’t been dating the guy for half a decade!” Nicky said. “When is he going to ask you to marry him, of course!”Andrew had known it was coming, but it still felt like the world slowed down a little. The question hung in the air between them like an ugly spell, until Andrew shook himself enough to answer.“He’s not going to ask me."ORNicky is finally getting married, the third Fox wedding in as many years. Andrew is just trying to get through it, Neil is just trying to have a good time, but with all this love in the air, their friends keep insisting on asking questions they are Not Ready For. They try to work through it together.





	Weddings and Other Kinds of Vows

**Author's Note:**

> Now with proper formatting! Yay!

(Neil)

Nicky, at long, long last, was married. It had been a hell of a year since Erik’s proposal, Neil thought, and that was without Nicky roping him into the wedding planning with absolutely no regard for Neil’s combined disinterest and discomfort. Privately, Neil suspected Nicky went to him because he knew that Neil would be a silent sounding board, letting him test out ideas without really having anything to contribute unless he thought something was going to get them all into trouble. (The bachelor party had actually been planned by Andrew, unbeknownst to Nicky, because Neil had no ideas of his own but all of Nicky’s seemed likely to get him killed in one way or another. In the end they had simply rented the upper bar at Eden’s, let Nicky get wasted to his heart’s content, and that was that. It really hadn’t been half bad.) Still, Neil had sat through hours of phone calls about venues, decorations, and guest lists with more patience than he had expected to have. Nicky was his friend, after all. Neil didn’t mind listening to him ramble as long as there was nothing else pressing on his plate. Seeing as this had all happened during Neil’s first year out of PSU, while he was trying to adjust to a new team and continuing to struggle with living half a continent away from Andrew, it had actually often been a welcome distraction. 

Other than the bachelor party, the only point of tension had been the wedding party itself. Erik had two people in his, and Nicky wanted even numbers. He asked Neil first, of course, but Neil pointed out it might be odd to have him and not Andrew. He hadn’t needed to ask Andrew if he would be willing to participate. He did anyway, but he hadn’t needed to. Andrew was barely willing to be scrutinized without the barrier of an Exy helmet and racquet on the best of days. To stand at an altar in front of a crowd, even if no one was focused on him, was unthinkable.

In the end, it was actually Aaron who had volunteered. He seemed to surprise no one more than himself by the offer. Aaron’s antagonism of Nicky’s sexuality had quieted in the face of Andrew and Neil’s developing relationship, and Neil had a feeling the twins’ joint therapy sessions probably had a lot to do with it, but the discomfort about it never quite left his eyes. Neil couldn’t help thinking there was something beyond bland and ugly homophobia there when he saw it. There was anger, and frustration, both at them and himself. There was abandonment. There was a man watching his family chose a path that as far as he could tell, had only ever caused them pain. It didn’t make it right, didn’t make it any less than frustrating as hell. But it made Neil less surprised than the rest when Aaron eventually stepped up. Like so much else in their lives, it was late in coming, but it was there.

Nicky wanted even pairs, so the wedding party ended up being rounded out by Renee. She and Aaron made an odd pair on Nicky’s side of the altar, at once so like the picture of her and Andrew in their steady silence, but so unlike them as well. Still, once everything was settled the ceremony went off without a hitch – by their standards, anyway. They all noted that Nicky’s parents were absent, but none of them said anything. 

When the ceremony was over, they crowded into the banquet hall of a small hotel for the reception. Neil noted with something like pride that the table reserved for the Foxes mirrored the one that sat Erik’s immediate family. It was unbelievably good to see them all again. Neil had spent his first year out of PSU thousands of miles away from Andrew and everything else he had learned to call home. The loneliness had caught him off guard, then briefly angered him. When had he become so reliant on other people? It wasn’t how his mother had raised him. It had taken Andrew’s firm and almost biting voice on the phone, reminding Neil that he didn’t _want_ to be the man his mother had been trying to turn him into, to bring him back to center. It didn’t take the edge off the loneliness, though.

He hadn’t really gotten along with his team, and honestly they didn’t have a very good season anyway, so when the draft had come back around, Neil didn’t mind cutting a few back-room deals for old time’s sake if it meant securing a spot on Andrew’s team. Neither of them had made Court yet, but whenever Andrew pulled off what should have been an impossible block with a determined swing, and sent the ball soaring up the court unerringly towards Neil’s racquet, he knew it was only a matter of time. 

They had just moved into their newly shared apartment a week ago. Neil was cautious, but hopeful that things were going just fine. He and Andrew had both grown a lot since Neil’s first turbulent year with the Foxes, and most days were good days. Even if the past did have a way of leaking into the present like blood through teeth, and they both had bad days. And worse days, and terrible days. Neither of them had ever threatened to leave. 

The rest of the foxes had grown, as well. This was, in fact, the third fox wedding in as many years, after Aaron and Katelyn and Matt and Dan. Despite Andrew’s continued grumbling whenever he was forced to put on a suit and socialize, the whole thing had become almost…routine. And nothing about it felt more familiar than the foxes themselves, crowded around the small table at the front of the reception hall near the dance floor. Matt and Dan were talking animatedly about the house they had just bought in Jacksonville. Dan had taken an assisting coaching position with a nearby university, and was regaling the table with tails of her most troublesome players – none half as difficult as any of them, she told them with her usual fierce fondness. Matt had gotten a spot on a small but respectable professional team there, and after three years in the pros was musing about grad school. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to study, but he was already starting to look towards a life beyond professional Exy. He and Dan here trying to figure out if it was too soon to start a family. At one point in the evening, Allison caught Matt watching a couple of little kids from Erik’s family tottering around the dance floor, a slightly wistful look of his face, and laughed at him to _get his damn baby fever under control, already._ Matt blushed. Dan had just smiled. 

Allison and Renee were showing off pictures from their latest trip abroad, and Renee took the time to tell Neil that she was planning on starting a sports charity for under-served youth. Whenever he did retire, someday far in the future, she thought he’d be perfect for it. Neil smiled politely and promised that when the day came, he’d consider it. To no one’s surprise, Aaron and Katelyn had disappeared into the crowd as soon as dinner was done. Kevin sent his regrets, but he had a game that night that he couldn’t get out of. Neil was a little surprised to find that he missed him.

Andrew, for his part, sat quietly and let the foxes’ conversation spill brightly around him, participating as quickly as possible when it was required of him, but otherwise listening and sipping his drink slowly. He watched them with a vague look on his face that Neil had learned was something like guarded content. Neil allowed himself to be fully drawn into the tumble of the conversation, safe in the knowledge that Andrew would be there, quiet and comfortable, whenever he looked back. 

It was hours, drinks, and many dances later that Neil found Andrew out of the terrace of the reception hall, facing a small garden. It was drizzling, just slightly, and there was a pale mist that hung across the damp ground of the darkened landscape. He was taking the last drag of his cigarette with an almost endearingly mournful sigh. He’d been trying, Neil knew, to cut back. Their team nutritionist had been appalled by the amount he smoked, but it had taken a lot of negotiation between her, their coach, and of course, Neil, to reach an agreement. The nutritionist had even gone so far as to suggest a nicotine vape pen to at least avoid some of the tar, but Andrew had nearly laughed in her face. He was wither unable or unwilling to admit it, but Neil thought that the nicotine would be the easiest part for Andrew to quit. There was too much tied up in the steady action of lighting something aflame and letting it slowly burn him from the inside out. Too much of his history, his pain, his impassive but insurmountable determination to go on living. _Too much of us, too._ a small voice in the back of Neil’s mind said, but he refused to let himself think about it much. 

“Thought you were trying to give that up.” Neil said to announce his presence. There hadn’t been any real judgment in his tone, but Andrew turned to give him an unimpressed look as he dropped the butt into a nearby ashtray.

“I was not about to chose Nicky’s wedding as an occasion to quit cold turkey.” Andrew said flatly, and Neil nodded his agreement. Andrew held out his cigarette pack in offer, but Neil didn’t want one. There was still a thin trail of smoke drifting up from the ashtray, and the smell of it still hung in the damp air. Neil was feeling settled tonight, present – he didn’t need anything more than that. 

“Wouldn’t want to cut in on your rations.” He said lightly, knowing that Andrew could see he wasn’t really denying himself for Andrew’s sake. It had turned out the nutritionist was nearly as stubborn as Andrew, which Neil gave her a lot of credit for, and so they had reached an agreement. The agreement kept a pack of cigarettes in Andrew’s pocket, half taken up by a smaller pack of nicotine gum. It seemed to be working, at least for now. 

The raucous sounds of loud electronic dance music drifted in through the glass doors as the dance floor continued in earnest, and Neil wasn’t sure whether to be grateful or apprehensive of the open bar. On one hand, he wasn’t typically one to turn down free anything, a holdover of old survival instincts, but there wasn’t much pull when the thing was booze. He also suspected it was mostly going on Andrew’s tab anyway, since it definitely wasn’t on Nicky’s from the use he had seen the man make of it so far. The was the apprehensive bit – most people were too touchy-feely in on a normal day. Drunk off free liquor and intoxicated with the celebratory mood, people, even friends, became unpredictable. 

Neil found himself reaching out and stealing a sip of Andrew’s whiskey. Andrew studiously ignored him, but that was all right. It only gave Neil time to look at him more. It was a rare occasion that got either of them into a suit and tie, clothes pressed and hair actually combed, but the sight of Andrew like that always made Neil a bit weak in the knees. He wasn’t really sure why – the Andrew that had captured his attention years ago didn’t belong in a suit. That Andrew was sweatshirts and tight jeans and layers of Exy gear over unexpectedly soft skin. He was brutal, practically elemental in his humanity. It didn’t really make sense, no, but when Andrew had emerged from the bathroom that morning in a well-tailored dark grey suit, black shirt, and a black tie that just shimmered gold, Neil’s heart had skipped a few beats in a row at the sight of him. 

Maybe it was something about the hungry glint in Andrew’s eye when he had taken in Neil in his own suit, navy blue with a cream shirt and cornflower tie that Renee had bought him. Or maybe he would just always be caught off guard by the look of Andrew, no matter how long he looked at him. If that was the case, Neil didn’t really think he’d mind. Andrew’s shirt was unbuttoned at the throat, now, and his tie loosened. Out here, he was almost a part of the grey mist, his blond hair barely catching the muted light. He was as beautiful as ever. 

“Thinking about getting blindingly drunk like last time?” Andrew’s voice cut through Neil’s distracted thoughts, and he realized he had been trailing his finger around the rim of Andrew’s glass. “If you pass out, I’m leaving you here.” 

“Liar.” Neil said back, smiling. 

“Yeah, you’re right. I’d kill you and dump your body in the woods just so I wouldn’t have to drag your drunk ass home.” Andrew agreed.

“I’m not getting as drunk as last time.” Neil told him, rolling his eyes. “That was Dan and Matt’s. This is different.” Neil didn’t say how, but he knew he didn’t need to. Dan and Matt were neutral territory for Andrew, so Neil had let himself go a little more than usual, confident that Andrew wouldn’t need him. While Nicky’s wedding wasn’t nearly as tense as Aaron’s had been, Neil knew it was bound to hit a little closer to home. He’d sipped carefully through a couple of beers so far, but that was it. 

Andrew didn’t thank him for the consideration, but Neil hadn’t expected him to. Andrew just pocketed the cigarettes and turned to Neil, taking his chin lightly in one hand. He quirked one brow in a question, and Neil gave him a small nod in return. There was no one around to see. Andrew leaned in carefully and kissed him, firmly and fully. Neil barely had time to relax into the steady feel of Andrew’s mouth on his, the taste of cigarette smoke in his mouth, before Andrew was pulling away and saying, in what could have been either thanks or retaliation,

“Dance floor.”

Neil gave him an inquisitive, amused look, grinning a little, and a look flashed across Andrew’s face that Neil would have sworn was Andrew suppressing the urge to kiss him again. He grinned wider, but let Andrew pull him by the wrist back inside the reception hall to just inside the edge of the dancing crowd. Andrew’s hands fell easily to his hips, and Neil looped his arms loosely around Andrew’s shoulders after a small nod. They stayed just like that for a while, swaying a little however the music seemed to require, content to breathe in each other’s space and soak in a little contact in the midst of a busy and overwhelming day. Andrew’s gaze was heavy on him, and Neil felt him stomach swoop a little. 

“Staring” Neil teased lightly, and Andrew raked one hard, assessing glance down his body before meeting his eyes again. Neil had the funny feeling Andrew had already mapped out their entire evening in that one look. 

“What am I supposed to do, watch the scenery go by?” Andrew replied dryly as they continued to sway. 

“No.” Neil said, letting himself sound a little smug just to get under Andrew’s skin. “I like it when you stare.” He was pretty sure Andrew knew that, pretty sure it was half the reason Andrew let himself do it so often. Still, it never hurt to say so. Andrew looked like he was trying to come up with an answer, but before he could, his eyes caught something over Neil’s shoulder. 

“Incoming.” Andrew muttered, a second before he heard _baby Neil!_ and a set of well manicured hands were wrapping around his own, pulling them off of Andrew’s shoulders and turning him bodily around. It was Allison, of course. Neil offered Andrew a parting wink as he let Allison steal him away. It was returned with a deadly glare, but Neil only grinned, and let his old teammate sweep him away. He would see Andrew again soon enough. 

¬¬¬¬¬_____

(Andrew)

After Reynolds swooped in and steered a surprised but laughing Neil away in her arms, Andrew found himself drifting back towards the foxes’ now-empty table. It was after midnight, and it had been an enormously long day. Neil had misplaced his tie in the pile of moving boxes Andrew had been insisting he unpack for a week now, and they had nearly been late. Then, Neil had let a valet take the Maserati to park it. And it was still much too warm to be wearing a suit and tie – no matter the heated look in Neil’s eyes when he’d seen him in it. To top it all off, an usher from the venue had mistaken him for Aaron and tried to herd him into the back where the wedding party was waiting to process, and he had let Neil do the explaining for him so that he didn’t end up stabbing someone on his cousin’s wedding day. 

Andrew detoured to a bar on his way to the table, grabbing another drink. He settled down at the table with a quiet sigh, watching the proceedings on the dance floor. He became immensely grateful that Reynolds had come when she had when the next song that came on involved some kind of choreographed group step. He watched the fox women try to teach it to a flustered but surprisingly game Neil, and felt amusement twitch in his chest. When Neil met his eye accidentally in the middle of a turn, his sheepish grin nearly made Andrew want to smile. He was less grateful for the downside to sitting at an empty table – namely, that it made him easy to spot. It wasn’t long before Nicky did just that and excitedly made his way over. 

“Andrew!” Nicky called as he got near, as though Andrew wouldn’t realize he was headed right for him. He flopped down heavily in a chair, grinning from ear to ear. “Andrew, man, this-“ his speech was impressively clear considering the number of drinks Andrew had watched him put away. “This,” he continued, gesturing around the room “is the best day. Of. My Life!” Apparently satisfied that he had given the matter the appropriate weight, he propped his chin up in his hands and relaxed heavily on his elbows. He simply looked at Andrew for a moment, and his grin slipped into something less giddy, but no less fond. “I’m glad you’re here.” He said simply.

Andrew looked back at his cousin. It was strange, that it had been so long since the days when he had been sure none of them would make it this far. Nicky looked older, but he was also wiser, if forever infuriatingly dumb, and undeniably happier. It was a startling difference from the man – boy, really – who had come back from Germany to accept guardianship of him and Aaron all those years ago. He looked…whole. Despite the frustration, and deep beneath the practiced apathy Andrew would spend the rest of his life unlearning, if felt good to see Nicky like this. It felt good, to see his strange and scattered family succeeding in their own ways. 

Smiles still didn’t come naturally to Andrew’s face, but he arranged his expression into something he hoped was at least pleasant and said truthfully “Neil wouldn’t have let me miss it.” Even wasted, Nicky didn’t mistake it for a slight. 

“Ah yes, our Mr. Josten.” Nicky said fondly. Andrew assumed Nicky was probably going to ask about their new apartment, and how Neil was adjusting to life in a new city, or maybe something horribly pressing about how they liked living together. No way was he going to tell Nicky they had talked about getting a cat. He was beginning to sort through possible responses in his head when Nicky leaned in and whispered conspiratorially

“So, when’s he going to ask you?”

The noise of the party seemed to mute in Andrew’s senses. He kept his face carefully blank even as he felt his pulse pick up. 

“When is he going to ask me what, Nicky?” He asked coolly, mostly buying himself time. 

“Oh don’t play coy with me mister. I know you two, I know does the pushing forward in your relationship.” Nicky chastised. Andrew frowned but didn’t give in. He wouldn’t give Nicky the satisfaction of getting to ask this evasively. If he was going to go there, he would have to get the actual words out of his mouth. 

“When is he going to ask me _what_ , Nicky?” He ground out, and Nicky rolled his eyes in exasperation. 

“Lord, Andrew, you’d think you hadn’t been dating the guy for half a decade!” Nicky said. “When is he going to ask you to marry him, of course!” 

Andrew had known it was coming, but it still felt like the world slowed down a little. His heart stuttered and his stomach churned. The question hung in the air between them like an ugly spell, until Andrew shook himself enough to answer.

“He’s not going to ask me” Andrew said harshly, careful to keep his voice down despite the noise of the reception. He kept his gaze locked on Nicky, not looking around for fear of accidentally catching Neil’s eye again, although refused to consider why. 

“Why not?” Asked Nicky, perplexed. “Are you planning on asking him? Oh my god, did you guys elope with out telling us? Oh man, the girls are gonna-“

“He’s not going to ask” Andrew interrupted, frustrated and fighting off anger, “because we are not going to get married, Nicky.” 

Nicky blinked at him, apparently dumbfounded. 

“Why not?” he asked. Andrew pinched the bridge of his nose and willed himself not to punch his cousin on what the man had just told him was the best day of his life. He searched for words instead, but it was as difficult as always. As always, he parsed them down to their bare minimum in order to fit them out of his mouth and into the air between them.

“Why would we?” He said at last. “We don’t need to. It wouldn’t change anything.” 

Nicky shrugged.

“I don’t know, Andrew. It’s what people do when they love each other, I guess.” Nicky said. Then, before Andrew could stop him “I mean, you love him, don’t you?” 

Andrew glared at him, an ice cold look that belied his suddenly racing heart. It took only a moment for Nicky to realize his mistake, his boozy expression going stricken in an instant. Nicky clapped a hand over his mouth, eyes widening slightly. 

“Look.” he desperately said, taking away his own hand to speak. “I’m sorry if it’s too personal… Look I shouldn’t have asked, okay? I know it’s none of my business. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, okay? That is unless…” Nicky, who somehow knew Andrew better than anyone but Neil and maybe Renee, caught something in his expression and paused. Andrew was annoyed he hadn’t felt it in time to hide it. It didn’t feel familiar on his own face, but he had a suspicion that had he seen it on Neil’s, he would have called it longing. “Unless you want to? Answer, that is.”

Andrew reached around for the hard, biting words that once had and still sometimes did come so easily. He only found tiredness. Nicky was watching him, looking earnest and worried and stupidly hopeful. The look reminded Andrew a lot of Neil. Andrew took a long swallow of his whiskey and risked a truth on his cousin – a wedding present, he figured. 

“Love.” He said, trying not to spit the word, running a hand through his hair, “is an overly complicated word. What people mean when they say that… and what Neil and I…” he trailed off, frustrated and hot at the back of his neck. Why was it so hard to talk about Neil? But also, why did people keep insisting on asking?

“They feel like two different things, don’t they?” Nicky finished for him, and Andrew glanced up, surprised. He knew Nicky’s own road to peace with his sexuality had been fraught, but his romance with Erik was so fairy-tale sweet it made Andrew’s teeth ache. What would he know about this first unfrightening darkness, this kind of unfathomable steadiness that felt at once exactly like what people called love and completely alien to it? Andrew frowned, took another drink, and found some of his old strength. 

“Love is a meaningless word. There are more important things, and more important ways of going about them. I do not need a room full of drunken buffoons and overpriced flowers to know when I’ve made a promise.” He said.

Nicky smiled, smart enough to know that it wasn’t a dig at his own well-deserved celebration, not really. “No.” Nicky said softly. “I don’t suppose you do. Hey, advice from an honest-to-god married man, though?”

“You’ve only been married for five hours, Nicky.” Andrew reminded him, but Nicky waved him off with an airy hand, momentarily distracting himself when he caught sight of the ring on his finger again, looking down at it tearfully until Andrew cleared his throat. “Anyway, advice from a real married man, yeah? Don’t worry so much about what you think other people think love is. As far as I’m concerned, love is whatever the hell works for you. And Andrew, whatever you’ve got with Neil? It’s working for you.” 

Nicky took a moment to gesture at Andrew, and Andrew understood it as a catalogue of all the little changes that had built up over the last six years. His clear focused eyes, the lack of knives hidden in his armbands, the way he picked his battles, and the pack of nicotine gum tucked in beside his cigarettes. The way he could look at the world without looking like he was daring it to throw the first punch. The way, at twenty four years old, he was finally, slowly, learning how to smile. 

“You know,” Nicky continued, brightening, “I once told Neil he would have to find something in his life to love besides Exy, because Exy could never love him back. You know what he said to me?”

“I’m getting tired of this conversation, Nicky.” Andrew said truthfully, but at least they were talking about Neil again, and not him. He took a breath. “What?”

“He said, ‘so?’” Nicky laughed, and it was indeed such a Neil thing to say that Andrew gave a small smirk of acknowledgement himself. Nicky’s face softened. “At the time, I thought it was the saddest thing I’d ever heard, honestly. Anyway, I’m just glad he found someone that does, you know? I’m glad you found each other.” 

Andrew glared. “Did you not hear anything I just said, Nicky?”

But Nicky, infuriatingly, just smiled, knowing and a little sad, as he got up.

“Loud and clear, Andrew.” He said, walking away and leaving Andrew alone with his thoughts again.

_____

(Neil)

Neil would have stayed forever in Andrew’s arms if he’d been allowed to, but when Allison’s voice came up from behind him, Andrew’s hands loosened their grip on his hips, and he knew he was being let go for the time being. He let himself get swept up in the moment and laughed as Allison hauled him away and into her own arms. He remembered just in time that his hands went to her waist, not shoulders, and tried to keep up as she moved the two of them deeper into the dance floor. She was, unsurprisingly, a much more demanding partner than Andrew. 

“I can’t believe your Prince of Darkness actually let you dance with him at a wedding.” Allison said. 

“It was his idea, actually.” Neil told her, and grinned at the shocked and mildly impressed look on her face. 

“Baby Neil, your powers never cease to amaze me.” she said, but before Neil could ask what she meant, the music changed. There was a weird shift in the atmosphere that Neil couldn’t place – the song sounded just like every other bassy, electronic thing that had played so far, but suddenly Dan was running over grinning, grabbing his and an eye-rolling Allison’s hand, and dragging them into the strange formation of lines that seemed to be forming on the dance floor.

“It’s a group dance!” Dan shouted at him over the music.

“It’s an atrocity.” Allison shot back. “I can’t believe Erik let Nicky get away with having this on the playlist.” But she was smiling just a bit herself. Neil was completely bewildered, but soon Matt and Renee had joined them, and before he knew it they were herding him into a series of steps and…turning in circles? It didn’t seem like there was much point to this dance, frankly it seemed designed to be embarrassing, but the foxes were laughing and holding onto each other so Neil did what he did best – he learned quickly and did his best to blend in. 

“There’s no need to take it so seriously, babe.” Allison laughed at him when she caught the look of concentration on his face. “I’m positive no one here expects you to know what’s going on. Just try to have fun.” Neil smiled at her a little and tried not to focus on his feet, instead watching his friends as they chatted and moved mindlessly in the strange, square formation of the dance. Once, in the middle of a turn, he accidentally caught Andrew’s eye from across the room. Andrew lifted one lazy eyebrow, and Neil felt himself blush. 

Luckily, the song was soon over and the dance floor quickly returned to normal. Even luckier, Allison seemed to be over dancing for the moment, but not done with Neil, so she dragged him along to a little empty bar table and flagged down a waiter. She ordered herself a black Russian and a beer for Neil, and they settled in. Neil had never been much good at small talk, but he listened as Allison told him stories about the best restaurants she and Renee had found in their travels, and the time a few drunk men at a bar had mistook the two of them for easy prey and they’d gotten into a brawl that “got us banned from Belgium, probably.” She talked to him about law school, and the weirdest cases they’d studied, and Neil told her about his and Andrew’s new apartment, and promised he’d been trying to keep up with his hair and wardrobe in her absence. 

It was strange, maybe, their friendship. Neil’s first impression of Allison was that she was the fox with whom he had the least in common, but maybe that wasn’t true at all. Maybe she reminded him of himself, carefully tailored to fit her surroundings, but brutal and unapologetic when threatened. He’d let her put makeup on him again in the early days after Baltimore; she was the only one other than Andrew who he’d ever allowed to touch his scars. Maybe it was because she was the only other one he trusted to do so without flinching. She was catty, petty, and often selfish, but she cared about her friends fiercely, and Neil had never once worried that she was lying to him.

Neil lost track of how long they’d been talking. The full darkness of late night had long-since settled outside, and had taken on the eerie feeling of that curiously blank time between midnight and dawn. Allison had ordered them each another drink. She made a show of taking a careful sip and re-settling herself in her chair, but it wasn’t until Allison leaned in with a curious glint in her eye that Neil looked around and realized just how far from the dance floor and dining area their table was. He took a careful, matching sip of his beer, watching her over the bottle, waiting. He had the distinct feeling he’d been cornered.

“So life’s good, then?” She asked, too innocently. Neil watched her for a moment.

“It’s good.” He said eventually. “The apartment’s great, and I really like working with the new team so far. I think we’re going to have a good season.” Allison rolled her eyes fondly. 

“Well thank heavens for that, stickball boy.” She ribbed, but she was smiling. The look she gave him over her drink was softer than he was used to seeing on her. “Hey, you made it, babe.” 

She meant all of it – Exy and school and a year on his own and just _being alive_ all these years – but Neil knew she mostly meant Andrew. He figured he’d probably won her a good bit of money with the foxes by it. The underclassmen, he thought, and maybe Dan. Allison had cornered him on the night of the cousin’s graduation party and said with a hard, appraising look 'you’re not giving that fucker up, are you?'

Since Neil never had any money in the pots, he’d been willing to tell her that no, he wasn’t giving Andrew up, distance be damned. Allison had considered him for a long moment before giving him an approving nod. She knew a thing or two about loving difficult people. 

“We made it.” Neil agreed. Allison leaned back and took an overly-casual sip of her drink. 

“So, three for three.” She observed. “Weddings, Neil.” She clarified when Neil looked lost. “Three years, three weddings.” She arched a well-plucked brow at him, an edge in her smile that hadn’t been there before. “Someone’s gotta keep the streak going. So, when are you asking?”

Neil stared at her, raising his beer to his lips but not drinking. 

“Asking what?” He said, feigning innocence. Allison wagged a finger at him, grinning wickedly.

“None of that, now, Neil. I might not know you as well as Short, Dark, and Surly, but we all see how dopey you get when you think he’s not looking. You made it this far, lover boy. When are you gonna put a ring on it?” 

Neil watched her quietly for a moment. She didn’t look like she was joking. Well, it wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about it. As Allison had said, this was their third fox wedding in as many years, so the idea wasn’t completely foreign. He’d watched and even begrudgingly participated as his teammates stressed good naturedly over guest lists, cakes, venues and floral arrangements. He’d smiled as they glowed at the altar, promising before everyone that mattered to love and cherish each other forever. Matt had done his best to explain the appeal when Neil had asked, and Neil had understood portions of what he’d said. But while Neil had come to care fiercely for his patchwork family, his relationship with Andrew had always been a bit of a private affair. Not hidden, just…separate. Their own. Neil wasn’t sure he would even be comfortable wedding Andrew in front of the Foxes, let alone did he feel some kind of compulsion to do so.

Neil realized he’d been staring into his drink. When he looked up, Allison was still watching him expectantly.

“Hello? Earth to Neil? Where’d you go, babe?” She said. “We were having an important conversation, remember? You, the Goalie Gremlin, an emo wedding for the ages?” 

Neil felt himself smile. He was glad Allison had stopped referring to Andrew as “monster” and “psycho.” But while she made the effort for Neil’s benefit, she’d never gotten into the habit of calling Andrew by his name. It was a mutual thing; Andrew only ever called her Reynolds. But since his last name wasn’t a helpful identifier, she had taken to referring to Andrew by an ever-shifting roster of colorful nicknames. If Neil hadn’t known better, he would have said some of them sounded an awful lot like endearments. 

Neil searched for a way to explain himself. 

“Marriage…just doesn’t seem necessary to us.” He said lamely. “It’s not like you need a ceremony to make a promise, or to keep one.”

“True enough.” Allison said, hand drifting delicately to her neck, no doubt remembering Andrew’s long ago promise, kept by way of a hand around her throat. “Just…Neil. I know you guys have never exactly been normal. I just want to make sure you don’t avoid marriage just because you thought it was something you’d never get. Remember babe, I’m kind of an expert on getting and giving difficult love. You can’t fool me.” 

Neil shifted uncomfortably in his seat, surprised by the way her words hit so close to home. She wasn’t wrong, in some ways. He could write a list as long as his arm of reasons he and Andrew didn’t need to get married, but-

“Marriage isn’t about having to, it’s not about it being necessary.” Allison said with unusual quiet, as though reading his mind. “It’s about wanting to. You can’t be afraid to want things, even if they scare you. Even if you think you don’t deserve them.” She looked at him with a strange gentleness for a moment, then laughed sharply. “God, Renee has turned me into such a goddamn softie.” 

Neil hoped the conversation was over, but then Allison pointed one manicured finger at him. 

“Just tell me one thing Josten, because I never did get as many details as I wanted back in college.” She said. “Do you love him?” 

Love had been a mystery to Neil for years. He’d never really understood attraction or romance before Andrew – even if other people would have questioned their version of it. And he’d rarely seen a marriage that didn’t look like a constant unhappy battle. His own parent’s marriage was perhaps the most unfathomable of all. He didn’t look across the room to where Andrew was trapped in conversation with his cousin, unwilling to meet his eye in the middle of a vulnerable moment. Andrew would see the fear surely written all over his face and come and try to help. Neil really didn’t need that right now. But he knew exactly where Andrew was, like he always did, because Andrew was a shining neon beacon, always blinking “home.” 

Neil met Allison’s eyes steadily.  
“Yeah, All. I do.” 

“Does he love you?” She asked, and Neil winced and frowned because after all these years and all their progress he couldn’t understand how the foxes were sometimes so blind to the way Andrew felt. “Look I know what you’re going to say, Neil, but has he told you? Like, actually told you?” Her expression was a contradiction of fierceness and warmth that reminded him of Dan. “You deserve that, too, you know. To be told.”

Neil chewed his lip. He didn’t say that neither of them had actually said the words yet. Didn’t say that the words felt too much like a loaded gun in his mouth and Andrew was many things but not bulletproof. That of all the things they felt for each other, love had come as the most startling but no more significant. No more than the trust, than the safety, than the ability to lean on each other without fear of either falling or hurting. Instead, he thought of Andrew, a man who had had so little when Neil met him, and who had managed to give Neil so much. 

“He’s told me.” He said to Allison. Because in every way that mattered, Andrew had.

“Good.” Allison said. “I wasn’t looking forward to having to kick his ass.”

They exchanged a few more pleasantries, but Neil’s energy for social interaction had thoroughly run it’s course. He let Allison pull him into his umpteenth hug of the evening and went to find Andrew.

It was nearly three in the morning by the time Neil had found his way back to Andrew through the small crowd of the wedding. A glance at Nicky and Erik, still flushed and grinning in each other’s glow on the pulsing dance floor, told Neil the party probably wouldn’t wrap up until dawn. A glance at Andrew said they were leaving now. Beneath the well-pressed charcoal suit there was a strange tension in the line of Andrew’s shoulders where he was not-quite-leaning against an empty bar. His feet were planted, arms crossed defensively across his chest, and he was looking at Neil with…something swarming beneath the carefully smooth planes of his face. It wasn’t anger. It wasn’t fear either. It was a kind of wariness, Neil thought to himself as he approached. As if something about Neil had changed in the time he’d been gone, and Andrew wasn’t quite sure he recognized him. The strange expression slipped away as Neil drew closer, though the tense posture did not. 

“Ready to go?” Neil asked, though he already knew the answer. 

“I didn’t want to be here in the first place.” Andrew told him, and it was probably true in a way. But Neil has seen Andrews expression as Nicky and Erik had exchanged vows tearfully at the altar. Not affection, exactly, but satisfaction. Neil knew Andrew wouldn’t have missed this if he could help it. 

Still, it was definitely time to go. Neil was exhausted. He made his way back out into the dance floor to find his foxes, allowing himself to be pulled into a last round of hugs, cheek kisses, handshakes, and promises to call. For once, he didn’t worry about prolonging goodbyes. He knew by now that his team wouldn’t let him go easily. He would see them again. 

Neil let Andrew take him by the wrist and lead him out the doors of the reception hall. They were staying here, at the hotel, for the night, so there wasn’t far to go. Neil was glad, because even by the end of their short journey, when the hotel room door clicked shut decisively behind them, Neil felt like he was vibrating out of his skin. He pushed the night’s heady aura and Allison’s sharp gaze from his mind and focused on Andrew, who he found was in turn focused intently on him, looking uncharacteristically unsteady on his feet. 

“How drunk are you?” Neil asked. Andrew stilled himself in the middle of a small sway. 

“Not nearly enough for what my cousin put me through.” Andrew said, voice clear and steady, and stepped closer, and Neil knew he should probably ask, but he figured it could wait. Neil could feel the heat coming off of Andrew’s body and smell whiskey just faintly on his breath. “You?”

“I stopped drinking awhile ago.” Neil said truthfully. He still felt slightly buzzed, more warm than fuzzy. He leaned closer into the weight of Andrew’s assessing gaze, bringing his hands up to cup Andrew’s face, feeling himself smile. _God_ , he’d been waiting for this for hours. “Kiss me?” Andrew obliged. 

It was a desperate relief to have this at last after a long day of careful posture and restrained touches. This – a warm mouth on his as they gravitated toward the bed, hands already shoving him out of his jacket and moving on to loosening his tie. This – a body just inches from his own intent on memorizing him, again, again. Neil let himself get a little lost in the kiss, happily unraveling for a few euphoric moments, before he gathered himself enough to notice that something was…off. 

Maybe it was the alcohol or the late hour or just exhaustion, but there was an almost muted quality to the usual ferocity when Andrew kissed him. Andrew was always a study in contradictions, but tonight it was even more pronounced. Andrews mouth was soft, slow, and patient on Neil’s lips and skin in a way that on anyone else might have been sweetness. But there was an intensity to the way his hands pressed Neil into the mattress, fingers digging almost involuntarily into Neil’s hip bones, that revealed an unspoken tension. After ten minutes neither of them had made a move to remove any more clothes. Neil restricted himself to light hands in Andrew’s hair through all of this, allowing himself a few more minutes to be kissed senseless. But before the low burn between them could spark into anything more, he pulled back. 

_____

(Andrew)

Andrew had been waiting all damn day to kiss Neil, and the man hadn’t been making it easy. Neil still looked a little unnatural in a suit and tie, but that only made it frustratingly easy to imagine getting him out of it. Their one, chaste kiss on the terrace and those brief moments of closeness on the dance floor had done little to soothe the itch to get his hands on Neil. Somehow though, they only got as far as jackets and ties before Andrew felt himself growing…cautious. 

He kept telling himself that his conversation with Nicky and all the ridiculous roiling questions it raised didn’t matter. Didn’t change anything. This was _Neil_ , every intoxicating living bit of him – he hadn’t changed just because Andrew had had to come face to face with a few unanswerable questions. But he couldn’t help going slow anyway. He knew Neil could feel it because he’d settled for just hands in Andrew’s hair, sifting with maddening lightness. It had been a long day and Andrew wanted nothing more than to burn himself into Neil, but it felt vaguely like they were kissing underwater, slow and heavy but somehow not quite able to reach each other. Andrew was frustrated but not entirely surprised when Neil pulled back. 

Andrew knew the difference between Neil’s 'no' and his 'stop kissing, but stay close.' In the long catalogue of moments since they’d begun this _whatever_ , Neil had only ever told him no twice. It wasn’t that Neil had only had a bad moment twice in nearly six years, it was just that Andrew usually knew when touch was a bad idea without being told. But twice, Andrew’s insistent hands on Neil’s scarred torso, or nails biting too hard at the sensitive tendons behind his knees, had felt too much like they were tearing Neil open in the worst way and Neil was going still beneath him and saying “Stop. Andrew, it’s no.” (That second time had been the night Andrew learned of the Butcher’s threat to hamstring Neil’s beautiful runner’s legs, and Andrew didn’t believe in revenge but he would have dug Nathan’s body out of the ground and killed him again himself if it would have taken that awful, panicked, guilty look of Neil’s face.) 

Andrew hated to see Neil in that kind of pain – trapped between the desire for the comfort of touch and the inability to be handled without triggering some trauma. After all, there was barely an inch on Neil’s body that hadn’t been cut, burned, hit, or bound at some point in his life. Andrew hated that pain more than he hated the way Neil looked at him like he was the sun. But privately, the moments when Neil told him “no” left him with a profound sense of relief and certainty. Neil was forever saying stupid things like “always.” It was good to know that he would say no if he needed to, better still to know for sure that Andrew would pull back immediately when asked. It made each yes mean that much more.

So tonight, when Neil pulled back with a calmly curious look in his eyes, Andrew settled relatively close to him, keeping their hands laced together and just a small space between their foreheads where they rested on separate pillows, but a comfortable distance between their bodies.

“Everything okay?” Neil asked lightly. Andrew shrugged, unwilling to spoil the moment with the kinds of reservations bubbling at the back of his mind. Their _this_ was still okay, and Andrew himself would be righted soon enough. 

“Tired, maybe.” He said at length, and Neil probably knew it was a half-answer, but he seemed to accept it, at least for the time being. Maybe it was because Neil, too, seemed a little ill at ease in a way he was trying to hide. He didn’t go back to kissing Andrew. 

“What.” Andrew said pointedly as the silence stretched out, because Neil had some kind of confession written all over his stupid face but clearly would take some prodding to get it out. 

“Allison… cornered me today. To talk.” Neil began haltingly, brow slightly creased. He was staring at a point on the wall behind Andrew so his gaze just skimmed Andrew’s face. Really, something Reynolds said had him this wound up?

“Color me shocked, Josten. The woman subsists on alcohol and gossip.” Andrew said. A nervous look flitted across Neil’s face, like he was steeling himself for something, and Andrew’s stomach dropped. Suddenly, he had a very bad feeling about this. 

“She wanted to know when I was going to ask you to marry me.” Neil blurted out in a rush. And yes, there it was. Andrew stared at him across the small space between their pillows, willing his heartbeat back to normal, feeling his body go still. Neil was fidgeting with the bed sheet seemingly without noticing. Andrew wanted a cigarette. 

Neil looked a little like me might be sick. The tension in the air was palpable as Andrew frowned across the space between them, annoyed that he didn’t have the right thing to say. It should have been such an easy thing to shrug off, he thought in frustration. He and Neil understood each other. They allowed themselves to be known to each other – that should have been more than enough. He didn’t care about the comments from teammates that they barely ever even saw him and Neil touch unless they thought no one was looking, or the about the Exy world’s almost unbelievable obliviousness to the whole affair. He didn’t give a damn if Nicky looked at him with quiet pity when Andrew refused to name this thing between them “love.” They knew what they were without needing to tie it up in words. Nothing else should matter. And yet, the nauseous look on Neil’s face. And yet, the vague hollow feeling in his own gut. 

“Get up.” Andrew said. Neil looked confused but sat up willingly enough.

“Why?” Neil asked, though he followed Andrew up to standing. 

“We are not having this conversation in formal attire.” Andrew informed him with finality, and a strange flicker of relief mixed with trepidation showed in Neil’s eyes, and he nodded his understanding. They changed facing away from each other, Andrew sensing he was about to more than use up his vulnerability quota for the night – more than he already had, even – and eventually settled back down on the mattress. Neil was in a pair of his ridiculous sleep shorts and had chosen a long sleeved shirt. Andrew picked out a light sweatshirt and pants, removing his knives but keeping the armbands. He didn’t reach out to touch Neil as they settled. He simply looked, and waited for Neil to be ready to start again. 

“It’s just…Allison said-“ Neil began again. He was worrying distractingly at his lower lip. Without really thinking about it, Andrew reached out and pulled the lip gently from Neil’s teeth, holding it in his own fingers. 

“When have I even given a shit what Reynolds has said?” He asked sharply. When Neil didn’t seem to have an answer, he made a decision. A truth for a truth. After all, wasn’t that how they worked? “Nicky asked me the same thing, the drunken idiot.” Andrew admitted at last. He saw Neil’s eyes widen and pressed on. “I’ll tell you the same thing I told him. I don’t need a room of besotted fools to know when I’ve made a promise.”

Neil just looked at him, for once totally unreadable. Eventually, he looked down pointedly, and Andrew realized he still had Neil’s lower lip between his fingers. He let go, almost reluctantly, and Neil continued. 

“Allison said I shouldn’t be afraid of things that I want.” He said slowly, clearly choosing his words carefully. “Things I don’t think I deserve.” He cocked his head slightly as he continued to look at Andrew. “But I don’t feel like I have that problem. I mean, I chose the Foxes and Exy a dozen times over when I could have run, right?” 

Andrew ran a thumb over the lip he had been holding moments before, considering. Yes, Neil had chosen Exy, had fought tooth and nail to keep it and prove he deserved it. But they weren’t talking about Exy. Exy, that could never love Neil back, but could consequentially never be hurt in return by him. No, yhey were talking about Andrew, and that made all the difference in the world. 

With Andrew, Neil never took. He asked, he negotiated, he gave and gave and gave. In some ways, it was the only reason they worked. True, Neil had been the one to push Andrew towards naming this thing, this relationship, but he always let Andrew set the terms. He never asked Andrew for anything he wasn’t sure Andrew could give. Not even when he’d been broken, bleeding and desperate for it. Andrew ran a thumb thoughtfully across one of Neil’s scarred cheeks and saw the flicker of a shared memory darken the other man’s eyes. Fuck, but he really did need a cigarette.

“You also said you would give it all up, you would leave, if I asked you to.” He reminded Neil, fighting to keep his voice firm. The last thing he needed was for Neil to hear how unmoored, how utterly lost, that idea made him feel now. The look on Neil’s face was solemn.

“I know.” Neil said softly. “I still would.” _Idiot_ , said the voice in Andrew’s head, but he wasn’t sure if he meant Neil or himself. 

“I know.” Andrew said back, but it hurt a little coming out. He wondered absently if this was what guilt felt like. “It’s just one of the many things I hate so much about you.” 

“Yeah.” Said Neil quietly, and suddenly Andrew couldn’t take it anymore. He knew Neil would shut up if he just kissed him hard enough. But he also knew if he didn’t let Neil get this out, it would fester between them. Letting each other in, giving over the keys to themselves, meant handing over the power to damage, to potentially destroy. Andrew knew he and Neil had the capacity to hurt each other more profoundly than most people could even imagine. It was what held them together. It was why they needed to be so careful. 

So instead of a kiss, Andrew forced himself out of bed and walked briskly towards the balcony, pulling the blanket with him so Neil would follow and grabbing the vodka and cigarettes on his way out. He sat down on the cool stone, taking a drink before lighting a cigarette. He took a relieved drag as Neil made his way out and sat beside him. This time, when Andrew offered him the pack, Neil didn’t hesitate to accept. They sat in silence and smoke for a time. 

“Get it out, Josten.” Andrew said when Neil’s worrying teeth and hands had become thoroughly distracting. “The longer this takes, the more cigarettes I smoke.” Neil’s mouth twitched into an almost-smile, but he still looked a vaguely sick. 

“We know what we are.” Neil said at last, spreading his hands. Andrew nodded silently. He wondered when 'this is nothing' had stopped living at the tip of his tongue – when he had begun to let go of that automatic defense against the vulnerable places in himself that Neil cracked open. He turned to face Neil on the balcony as Neil continued. “And this thing, Andrew, it’s already so much more than I ever thought I would get. Wanting anything more just feel like…I dunno, tempting fate, I guess.” _Idiot._

“I don’t believe in fate.” Andrew told him flatly. If fate existed, she was a bigger bitch than his and Neil’s mothers combined. “And neither should you.” If Andrew had found the energy to put more words to the jumble of noise in his head, he might have said _'Fate had nothing to do with this. We built this present together, with blood and of stone, and we will make the future that way too. Fate didn’t make it, and fate is not going to take it away.'_ The words refused to fully form, though, so he cupped Neil’s jaw with one firm hand and locked eyes with him like he could will the other man to understand. And maybe he could, because Neil nodded seriously and leaned in, slowly. When their faces were nearly touching, when Andrew’s skin was burning with the closeness of it, Neil whispered 

“Just a kiss?”

Andrew felt himself swallow dryly, and nodded. As Neil closed the last inch between them and pressed their lips gently, firmly, together, Andrew moved his hand to where Neil’s pulse was going haywire in his throat. He knew his own heart rate had picked up, and breathing was suddenly a conscious and annoying effort against the warm pull of Neil’s mouth. Neither of them really wanted ‘just a kiss,’ but they both knew their conversation wasn’t done yet. Still, when Neil’s hand slid almost mindlessly to Andrew’s hair, Andrew gave in a little and let himself bite down on Neil’s lower lip the way he had been waiting to all night. Neil shivered, and it took all of their combined control to not dissolve, burning, into one another, to not wind up half-naked and panting on the hotel balcony. 

Instead, Andrew pulled back first, letting himself watch as Neil composed himself, beautiful and a bit breathless but looking distinctly less nauseous. When he had caught his breath, Neil grabbed the vodka and took a decent sip for a man with relatively little tolerance. When he held the bottle out, Andrew allowed himself a more generous measure. Back to business, then. 

Andrew lit a second cigarette as he watched Neil center himself again. The blanket was draped awkwardly around the two of them where they sat face to face on the balcony, and Andrew leaned his other side against the iron railing, allowing the contrast of warm and cool to steady him. Neil wasn’t fidgeting anymore. He had a look on his face that Andrew was more familiar with than he would have admitted – one that said Neil had a fully formed thought in his head, but was trying to figure out the right way to say it. The careful way Neil sometimes spoke to Andrew was another reason he hated him, but he knew Neil didn’t do it maliciously, or to belittle him. He also knew Neil usually got the words right in the end, and that made it worth the discomfort of the wait. Andrew watched Neil in silence like that for so long he was surprised he wasn’t reprimanded for staring. He stared some more anyway.

“You know, our deal ended a long time ago.” Neil said with a lightness Andrew didn’t believe for a second. “Technically, we’re not operating under any sort of promise.” 

Andrew felt something akin to anger flash through him. Not anger – indignation? Guilt? Grief? Who could say. All he knew was he wanted to put his hands on Neil until he took that back. Wanted to pin him down and kiss him, closer and closer; wanted to place Neil’s hands against his skin and say _This is a promise. Every time I let you touch me, every time you allow me to touch you in return, this is a promise. It’s not a deal, not a bargain, but it is a promise just the same._ He saw Neil’s gaze flick down towards his hands and realized he was clenching his fists. 

“You know better than that, Junkie.” was all he got out in the end. When he looked up again, Neil’s gaze was steady and serious as he nodded. Because it had taken too many years, but they both did. So Neil tried again. 

“I don’t want to tempt fate” Neil said, stubborn to the last. Once he started, the words came out of him like liquid spilling from a broken bottle, pooling rapidly around them both. “But I don’t want to run away from it either. I told you a long time ago I was done running, Andrew, and I meant it. I still mean it. I spent so long fighting to become a real person, and you helped so much, and I’m real now Andrew. I’m real. And real people, they get to want things. So I don’t want to be afraid or ashamed of wanting things for my future. Not anymore” Neil took a deep shuddering breath that Andrew felt in his own chest. “Not ever again.” 

Neil was shaking with adrenaline by the time he was done, clenching his fists in his lap, watching the old scars as they morphed in the low light. Andrew reached out and wrapped a hand around the back of Neil’s neck the way that always seemed to make Neil’s breathing steadier. He held out his own cigarette, watched as Neil took it and allowed himself a shallow drag, and squeezed the back of Neil’s neck until he finally allowed Andrew to meet his eyes again. The two of them felt like a pair of stitches stretched across a terrible gash, taught and barely holding back the blood. Andrew allowed himself a heartbeat to be awestruck by the still-startling blue of Neil’s eyes – wide and bright and vulnerable in a way Andrew could never allow himself to be – before forcing himself empty, empty, and ripping open the wound. 

His voice was low and steady when he spoke. 

“Do you want to marry me, Abram?” 

_____

(Neil) 

Neil’s world stopped spinning. 

It took his brain just seconds to process that Andrew’s words had been a simple question, not a _proposal_ , but in those seconds the balcony seemed to disappear beneath him. He was falling, falling, and it was only Andrew’s nails biting at the back of his neck that righted the ground beneath him. Neil blinked stupidly, breathing in gulps of night air and cigarette smoke. There had been the barest of mocking edges to Andrew’s voice when he spoke, but he had called Neil 'Abram.' It was an unspoken truth that Andrew didn’t use Neil’s realest of names lightly.

Neil stared into Andrew’s steady, heavy hazel gaze as he turned the question over in his mind. The vodka was keeping him from panicking properly, which he thought was probably a good thing, but it was making putting thought into words more difficult. Following the question through the maze of his thoughts, feelings, and memories felt like chasing someone in a dream. Every time he thought he’d reached the answer, it slipped around a corner and was gone. 

_Do you want to marry me, Abram?_

Did he?

It was one thing to have Allison ask, in her snide but cleverly caring way. It was another to hear the words so baldly from Andrew’s lips, his bored voice betraying nothing, although Neil knew he was curious if he’d bothered to ask at all. _Do you want to marry me, Abram?_ What Neil wanted, desperately, was to lean in for a bruising kiss, to go numb beneath Andrew’s familiar mouth and hands until all these impossible questions had disappeared into the night air. He wanted to break something. He wanted to vomit. He wanted to run and run and run away from Andrew’s question – but he didn’t want to leave Andrew behind. Neil tugged at the blanket and Andrew allowed him to pull it off of Andrew and fully around himself, closing off some of the terrifying openness between them. He wrapped a hand around the railing of the balcony and focused on the cold iron, and then on the warmth of Andrew’s hand, sturdy and immovable against his spine. He wanted-

“I want you, Andrew,” Neil began at last, and it felt like pulling the last of his mother’s stitches out, one by one. “for as long as I can have you. I want to go to sleep next to you for the rest of my life.” He let out a shaky breath. “I want to grow old with you, if life lets us. If you’ll have me. I just want you, Andrew. Whatever that means. Whatever it takes.” 

Andrew stole back his cigarette with deadly calm. He took a drag and blew out a thin stream of smoke that just skimmed Neil’s cheek. 

“You still haven’t answered my question.” 

Neil just looked at him helplessly. In the pale gold light of a horizon hinting at sunrise, Andrew appeared almost soft. It was trick-of-the-light moments like these that always caught Neil off guard, like he was seeing Andrew from an angle he rarely allowed himself to be glimpsed from. From here, he didn’t look cold or threatening despite the calculating look in his eyes. He just looked human; hungry for warmth and a little tired. Andrew was an unfathomable mass of contradictory impulses; he was a steady gaze that was always equal parts safety and danger, wreathed in smoke that smelled undeniably like home. It almost didn’t matter what he said, Neil thought. The potential for destruction was astronomical either way. 

“I don’t know.” It came out as a whisper, and Neil found he couldn’t meet Andrew’s eyes anymore. He pulled the blanket more tightly around himself. “…maybe? Someday…maybe.” The silence that followed was brief and suffocating. 

“I should have killed you while I had the chance.” Once upon a time it would have been a snarl, but now Andrew just sounded…tired. When Neil looked up, he knew the anger in Andrew’s eyes wasn’t for him, but for the lives that had caught them in this impossible trap together. Neil almost pointed out that he had just offered Andrew a lifetime of chances to kill him, but he paused as Andrew’s words really sank in. Neil knew Andrew might always hate him, in his own way. He hated the way Neil got under his skin, pulled at his frayed edges, unraveled him, forced him to feel. But killing Neil – losing him at all, really – had ceased to be an option long ago. They were wound too deeply inside of each other to extricate themselves without utter devastation. 

“Maybe you should have.” Neil offered mildly, feeling some of his strength returning as reality readjusted around him. “Might have saved everyone a lot of trouble.” Andrew stubbed out the last of his cigarette on the balcony. 

“You are such a fucking moron.”

“Yeah, what else is new?” 

“You tell me, Neil.” said Andrew with a hint of a sneer. “Apparently you want to fucking _marry_ me.” 

“Oh fuck off, Andrew.” Neil shot back, too exhausted to keep the irritation form his voice. “You asked.” Andrew just scoffed, so Neil forced himself to take a deep breath, running a hand through his hair. 

“Look.” Neil said with a weary sigh “I’m not saying I want to find a goddamn chapel tonight, Andrew, for fuck’s sake. I’m not saying I’m sure I’ll want that, ever. I just… I don’t want to completely dismiss the possibility right now. My life has changed more since I met you than I ever thought was possible. Who knows what the future might hold?” 

_Who knows what we might come to want, if we give ourselves time?_ He thought but didn’t say. 

“I’d break you.” Andrew said, voice flat, eyes so dark they threatened to look right through Neil, but Neil refused to break his gaze.

“You certainly have the power to.” Neil said steadily, because it was true.

“I’d get bored of you.” Andrew continued. “I’m surprised I haven’t already, frankly. You’re like an un-scratchable itch, Josten, and someday I’m going to get sick of dealing with you. And when I do I will tear you out and leave you to fucking bleed out somewhere.” Andrew’s voice was deadly smooth. “Where will you run then?” 

Neil didn’t point out that in this analogy, Andrew would be tearing himself apart as well. 

“It’s possible.” He said, ignoring Andrew’s final threatening question. It had been a low blow and they both knew it. “But I don’t think so. Maybe I don’t get to have you forever – that’s up to you. But I trust you not to hurt me.” 

“Then you’re an even bigger idiot than I thought.” said Andrew.

“I didn’t think that was possible.” said Neil with a twitch of his brow, and finally, finally, something shook loose in Andrew’s expression.

“Huh.” Andrew said, and most of the heat was gone from his tone. “Me either. Surprise.” 

“You know me, full of surprises.”

“I hate surprises.”

“Yeah yeah, and you hate me. Like I said, what else is new?”

And just like that, Neil could breathe properly again. He could tell that Andrew was getting calmer as well, regaining his footing. Before Andrew could reach for the third cigarette Neil was sure he was itching for, he leaned in as close as he could get, so he could whisper the words almost against Andrew’s mouth. 

“Yes or no?” 

Andrew’s eyes flashed a different kind of dark, but when he spoke it was only to say “inside” roughly against Neil’s throat before getting up, taking the vodka and cigarettes back into the suite with him. Neil didn’t waste any time grabbing the blanket and following to where Andrew was waiting at the foot of their bed.

“Andrew-“

“Yes.” 

They took each other apart like it was the only thing that mattered in the whole world. Like they were the only ones who could. Like somehow that was enough. And maybe, Neil found himself thinking in the last moments before Andrew’s lips and hands banished all coherent thought, maybe in this one tiny, infinite moment, it was.

_____

(Andrew)

They finished collapsed flush against each other, skin to skin. Shirtless, breathless, and utterly exposed. Andrew rolled himself off of Neil silently, pulling the blanket up to give them each a moment of privacy to reassemble themselves in the aftermath. Eventually, Neil rolled towards him and Andrew could feel his eyes against his own face like a gentle burn. 

“Staring, Neil.”

When he was only met with quiet, Andrew rolled onto his own side to face Neil across the space between their pillows. Andrew reached to brush a thumb over the uneven skin of Neil’s cheek, and swallowed a small breath when Neil turned his head to press a small kiss to the inside of his wrist. It was startling, how much he had come to rely on Neil’s unending survivorship, his unfathomably stubborn will to live, to thrive, and to pull Andrew up with him. It made Andrew horribly vulnerable, but didn’t think he ever wanted to be without it. Neil reached out a hand silently, and after a moment of consideration, Andrew took it in his own.

“Hey” Neil said softly. His face said it was a question. 

“What?”

“Are we okay?”

“What ‘we’?” Andrew responded reflexively, an old defense brought to the surface by the weird fragility of this moment. Maybe Neil understood that, because he didn’t fight back like he usually might these days. He just looked at Andrew like he held all the answers he could ever be looking for, and waited patiently. It was a stupid question, Andrew thought, _what else is new?_ It wasn’t like he didn’t know why Neil was asking. Still, Andrew hated having to use words for these things. Words were so permanent, especially with Neil, and Andrew was already exhausted. They had both given so much tonight already. Neil had given more though, and Andrew knew it, and that was the reason he forced himself to speak.

“We’re good.” He said. A truth for a truth. 

A tired but breathtaking smile broke out on Neil’s face, and Andrew knew the effort had been well worth it. He allowed himself a moment to remember the years when Neil’s smile had been both a mystery and a miracle, and all the progress they’d made since then. The list of Andrew’s “wants” was still short, but most things on it had to do with Neil, and seeing more of his smile, hearing more of his laughter, was near the top.

“Good.” said Neil. He looked relieved and sleepy and impossibly soft, and for a moment Andrew felt them dangling over the edge of a dangerous precipice. Maybe it was the drinks, or just the hour – it was almost sunrise – but Andrew found himself wondering what would happen if they let themselves fall.

Before either of them could do or say anything they couldn’t come back from, Andrew closed the space between them with a single warm, dry kiss before settling himself away from Neil on the bed and shutting off the light. 

“Go to sleep, Neil.” he said into the darkness, and felt Neil shuffle into his own position. 

“’night Andrew.” Neil’s voice came back. And the moment was so quiet, so fragile, so indescribably _safe_ that Andrew allowed himself to imagine hearing that every night for the rest of his life. Heavy warmth settled deep in his chest, and he drifted off to the sound of Neil’s breathing.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I'm decently proud of this characterization. Please leave a comment to laugh with me, cry with me, or yell at me about my run on sentences.
> 
> EDIT: Thank you so much to everyone who has read so far! Your love and comments mean the world to me :)   
> yell at me on tumblr @ a-case-for-wonder  
> <3


End file.
